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August 17, 2001 - August 24, 2001

8-24-01 Latest News

Tolkien and Christianity II - I recant.
Tehanu @ 1:01 am EST

When I saw the apparently exhaustively-researched essay on Hollywoodjesus.com I thought 'great, somebody's done all the work for me.' I wish I'd read through to Greg Wright's concluding essay, because a number of emails have pointed out that it's rubbish. If you want the real skinny on Tolkien's faith and the way it's mirrored in his work, somebody who's done his homework a whole lot better is Joseph Pearce in his book "Tolkien, Man and Myth." (It's out of stock at Amazon and B&N, I notice.) Otherwise a cheaper option is to read Tehanu's Notes numbers 6, 7 and 10 which might lead you to think (and read) in a number of different directions which go a lot closer to the truth than Mr. Wright did, methinks.

8-23-01 Latest News

Help STOP Warner Brothers Pan-and-scan of Lord of the Rings
Quickbeam @ 3:40 am EST

Click and sign the petition!

Greetings – Quickbeam here.

Call to arms!

Attention all fans of The Lord of the Rings and fans of the DVD format. I have confirmation from Bill Hunt at The Digital Bits [http://www.thedigitalbits.com] that the original 1978 animated LOTR will be on DVD for the first time ever, yes, but it will NOT be released in the original widescreen aspect ratio of 1.85:1. Instead, it will be cramped into an old pan-and-scan version without a new film transfer!

For those who don’t know about movie aspect ratios, this means more than 25% of the full onscreen image cannot be seen because of the cropped frame. If the DVD were in anamorphic widescreen, then the viewer would be able to see the entire image as the artists originally intended. Anything else is unacceptable. If Warner Bros. gets away with this, the video presentation on this DVD will look like mud and much of the image will be missing.

For a great illustration of how dramatically this will affect your experience of a film, CLICK HERE for a special page showing the difference between widescreen and pan-and-scan. Thanks to Bill for this material.


Come on Warner Bros! We are not going to buy sub-standard crappy DVDs.

This movie has long been out-of-print on VHS. We have waited over 23 years for a nice, clean, new digital presentation of this film. And NOW with a new DVD, a medium capable of so much, the studio is taking the cheap way out and not giving the consumer the original version of the film. Even though this Ralph Bakshi film has its flaws, it is still an important watermark in the history of animation and was the first ever adaptation of Tolkien’s work to the silver screen.

This is an important issue. Because the studio thinks "it’s just fantasy" they will dump the film under their "Family Films" label and not produce the DVD properly.

And what about the upcoming new live-action films? Will they suffer this too? Since AOL/Warner Bros. owns New Line Cinema does that also mean Peter Jackson’s films will get the same careless treatment on DVD? It is time for Tolkien fans to speak up!

At the very least Warner Bros. can present the DVD with standard full frame on one side of the disc and anamorphic widescreen on the other side (as they have with most of their films like Beetlejuice and Unforgiven). Just give the consumer a choice!

Click here to sign your name to our online petition, and tell Warner Bros. you will not spend your money on a DVD that is poorly produced. Tell them that you will CANCEL YOUR PRE-ORDERS for this title. There are many many thousands of us – after all we are the core Tolkien fan community online. Speak with your money and don’t buy this disc!

Remember, the DVD release of "Princess Mononoke" was held back for several months because of a highly successful campaign by fans. They wanted Buena Vista Home Video to include the original Japanese language track, and they won in the end!

Click and sign the petition!

I will take the entire petition, with all of its signatures printed out, and present it to the Vice-president of Warner Bros. Home Video in Burbank. I will sit down in person with him and state exactly what the consumers expect for this older version of LOTR and the new versions yet to come.

Thanks for all your help, folks!

Much too hasty,


8-22-01 Latest News

Council of Elrond, a closer look
Xoanon @ 10:59 am EST

From: Mr. Tadpole

I've made up a diagram of the Council, based on the pictures we've seen. This is it. No Bilbo, and everyone accounted for.

But I think we may have stumbled upon the first goof in the movie (before it's even out) - the case of Frodo's missing chair. It's in several shots, with him sitting in it, but when he's approaching the plinth (as seen in the trailer), bingo, it's missing.

I have only one possible explaination - The scene where Frodo is approaching the plinth is at the very beginning of the Council, and they hadn't put a chair out for him. After he takes the ring out and puts it on the plinth, they then get him a chair to sit on.

Xoanon here: I have yet another, Frodo is sitting in Gandalf's chair...no conspiricies or mistakes here folks..a rather simple explination.

8-21-01 Latest News

TheOneRing.net sponsorship updates.
Tehanu @ 9:54 pm EST

We're really pleased with the results of our two sponsorships this year. We contribute to the "Books in Homes" programme in NZ. "Books in Homes" not only makes books available to schools in poor areas, but fosters a love of books and reading in places where this might not normally be the case. There's been a lot of anecdotal evidence from the schools involved that BiH makes a big difference to reading levels among children, and this year NZ Council for Educational Research is doing a survey to determine exactly how effective the programme is.

Individual schools have been doing their own surveys, of course. The latest BiH newsletter shares the results of Rawene School's inclusion in the Books in Homes programme: two years ago, 75% of Rawene's pupils were the below the national average for readers of their age. Now, after two years with "Books in Homes," that figure has shrunk to 35%, while 42% are now above the average literacy for their age.

Meanwhile we got mail from the World-Wide Fund for Nature. We sponsor one of their marine conservancy programmes dedicated to saving the endangered Hector's Dolphin. WWF's Lynda Murray wrote to say, "We had a win last week - which is great!! The govenrment announced a new management plan for North Island Hector's Dolphin which is really very good."

8-19-01 Latest News

Weekly Cast Watch
Xoanon @ 10:57 pm EST

Viggo Mortensen (Aragorn)

28 Days (2000)
Walk on the Moon, A (1999) UK
Thin Red Line, The (1998) UK
Psycho (1998) UK
Prophecy, The (1995)
Crew, The (1994)
American Yakuza (1994)
Carlito's Way (1993) UK
Boiling Point (1993)
Ruby Cairo (1993)
Young Americans, The (1993)
Indian Runner, The (1991)
Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990) UK
Young Guns II (1990)
Fresh Horses (1988) UK
Witness (1985)

Liv Tyler (Arwen)

Onegin (1999) UK
Cookie's Fortune (1999)
Can't Hardly Wait (1998) UK
U Turn (1997) UK
Stealing Beauty (1996) UK
Heavy (1995)

Ian Holm (Bilbo)

Joe Gould's Secret (2000)
Last of the Blonde Bombshells, The (2000) (TV)
eXistenZ (1999)
Night Falls on Manhattan (1997) UK
Life Less Ordinary, A (1997) UK
Big Night (1996)
Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (1984)
Alien (1979) UK
Young Winston (1972) UK
Mary, Queen of Scots (1971) UK

Sean Bean (Boromir)

Stormy Monday (1988)

Martyn Sanderson (Bree Gatekeeper)

Ned Kelly (1970)

John Noble (Denethor)

Airtight (1999) (TV)

Hugo Weaving (Elrond)

Matrix, The (1999) UK
Bedrooms and Hallways (1998)
Interview, The (1998)
Babe: Pig in the City (1998)
Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, The (1994) UK
Frauds (1993) UK

Miranda Otto (Eowyn)

What Lies Beneath (2000)
Jack Bull, The (1999) (TV) UK
Thin Red Line, The (1998) UK

Elijah Wood (Frodo)

Faculty, The (1998) UK
North (1994) UK
Good Son, The (1993)
Forever Young (1992) UK
Paradise (1991)
Internal Affairs (1990) UK
Avalon (1990) UK

Cate Blanchett (Galadriel)

Ideal Husband, An (1999) UK
Pushing Tin (1999) UK
Talented Mr. Ripley, The (1999) UK

Ian McKellen (Gandalf)

X-Men (2000) UK
Apt Pupil (1998) UK
Bent (1997)
Cold Comfort Farm (1995) (TV)
Jack and Sarah (1995)
Restoration (1995)
I'll Do Anything (1994) UK
Shadow, The (1994) UK
And the Band Played On (1993) (TV)
Last Action Hero (1993)
Six Degrees of Separation (1993)
Alfred the Great (1969) UK

John Rhys-Davies (Gimli)

Secret of the Andes (1998) UK
Perry Mason: The Case of the Fatal Framing (1992) (TV)
Tusks (1990)
Firewalker (1986) UK
Victor/Victoria (1982) UK
Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square, A (1979) UK

Andy Serkis (Gollum)

Topsy-Turvy (1999)
Among Giants (1998) UK

Harry Sinclair (Isildur)

Heavenly Creatures (1994)

Bruce Spence (Mouth of Sauron)

Sweet Talker (1991)
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
Cars That Ate Paris, The (1974) UK

Sean Astin (Sam)

Kimberly (1999)
Icebreaker (1999)
Dish Dogs (1998)
Bulworth (1998) UK
Harrison Bergeron (1995) (TV)
Teresa's Tattoo (1994)
Rudy (1993)
Encino Man (1992) UK
Where the Day Takes You (1992) UK
Toy Soldiers (1991) UK
War of the Roses, The (1989) UK
Staying Together (1989)
White Water Summer (1987) UK
Goonies, The (1985)

Christopher Lee (Saruman)

Sleepy Hollow (1999) UK
Jinnah (1998) UK
Tale of the Mummy (1998) UK
Feast at Midnight, A (1994)
Safari 3000 (1982)
Arabian Adventure (1979)
1941 (1979) UK
Return from Witch Mountain (1978) UK
Killer Force (1975)
Three Musketeers, The (1973) UK
Nothing But the Night (1972)
Vengeance of Fu Manchu, The (1967) UK
Brides of Fu Manchu, The (1966) UK
Face of Fu Manchu, The (1965) UK
Longest Day, The (1962)
City of the Dead, The (1960)
Crimson Pirate, The (1952)

Brian Sergent (Ted Sandyman)

Meet the Feebles (1989)

Bernard Hill (Theoden)

Loss of Sexual Innocence, The (1999) UK
Midsummer Night's Dream, A (1999) UK
True Crime (1999) UK
Restless Natives (1985) UK

Brad Dourif (Wormtongue)

Shadow Hours (2000)
Ghost, The (2000)
Storytellers, The (1999) UK
Urban Legend (1998) UK
Death Machine (1995)
Trauma (1993)
Body Parts (1991)
Child's Play 2 (1990)
Mississippi Burning (1988)
Blue Velvet (1986) UK

Jim Rygiel (SFX)

Anna and the King (1999)
Last Action Hero (1993)
Cliffhanger (1993)
Last of the Mohicans, The (1992)
Alien³ (1992)
Batman Returns (1992)
Solar Crisis (1990)

Howard Shore (Composer)

High Fidelity (2000)
Dogma (1999)
eXistenZ (1999)
Analyze This (1999)
Striptease (1996)
Moonlight and Valentino (1995)
Se7en (1995)
Nobody's Fool (1994)
Guilty as Sin (1993)
M. Butterfly (1993)
Prelude to a Kiss (1992)
Single White Female (1992)
She-Devil (1989)
Big (1988)
Dead Ringers (1988)
Fly, The (1986)
Videodrome (1983)
Silkwood (1983)

Peter Jackson (Director)

Heavenly Creatures (1994)
Meet the Feebles (1989)

To get more information, use the sites I use like:

mydigiguide.com, tv-now.com and IMDB.com

8-18-01 Latest News

Fellowship of the Ring Completed
Strider @ 3:01 pm EST

The latest buzz on the internet over the last couple of days is whether or not there really is a final cut of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Rings out there. Well, judging by the past week's events the Fellowship is a completed film.

First, three weeks ago the Fellowship of the Ring trailer was finally released in Irish theaters. You may be wondering what's so important about that? Well, my fellows Irish Ringers will know that for a trailer to be released in Ireland, the completed film must first be viewed by the Irish Film Board. Therefore, for the trailer to be showing in Ireland, this indicates that someone has been shown the final cut of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Secondly, we reported here last week that the Hollywood Reporter revealed exclusively that morning that the Fellowship of the Ring had been rated PG-13 for "epic battle sequences and some scary images" by the MPAA. Two days later, we received a mail from Lord G to tell us that the representative from the MPAA went onto this message board and revealed his/her knowledge on the subject, supporting the claim that there is a finished version out there.

And finally, today AintItCoolNews backed up our report from last week that the Fellowship of the Ring has received a PG-13 rating, and that there is a finished 2 hour 45 minute print locked away in a safe somewhere...

So the evidence seems pretty convincing: The Fellowship of the Ring is out there and ready for the world's eyes! Suddenly December doesn't seem so long away.

8-17-01 Latest News

Canada's "Globe and Mail" on LOTR and Harry Potter.
Tehanu @ 7:00 pm EST

The "Globe and Mail" takes a contrary position to the other media who've been wooing Xoanon and getting excited about the LOTR films. In their editorial they argue that by seeing the movies, our imaginations will be colonised by somebody else's vision, and we will be powerless to draw on our own powers of invention.

Editorial: "Anyone who has read these books carries the author's vision around in his head forever.

"Except it isn't really the author's any more. It is the special magic of the printed page that everyone sees the books differently in his or her mind. When we look at a motion picture, we all see more or less the same thing. When we read a book, we all see something different. That vision is uniquely ours because we have helped create it, and that makes it a treasure.

"When a director makes a film of a book, he shows us just one vision: his. That is his right, of course, but it is not the same. No matter how brilliant his own vision may be, it can never be as vivid as the world the reader creates for himself.

"In that sense, making a movie of books such as The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone is a kind of crime against the imagination."

We've seen this discussed on our messageboards a dozen times, and it's an interesting debate. I'd like to counter the G&M's editorial with a quote from the foreword to Ursula Le Guin's latest book, "Tales from Earthsea." In it she talks about the power of power of the imagination to overcome commercialisation, but I think it would equally apply to the power of the imagination to resist conformity. By this argument, even if the LOTR films cheapened the books outrageously, they wouldn't kill off our own individual ability to dream.

"...people turn to the realms of fantasy for stablity, ancient truths, immutable simplicities. And the mills of capitalism provide them...

"Commodified fantasy takes no risks: it invents nothing, but imitates and trivialises...The passionately conceived ideas of the grreat story-tellers are copied, stereotyped, reduced to toyes, molded in bright-colored plastic, advertised, sold, broken, junked, replaceable, interchangeable.

"What the commodifiers of fantasy count on and exploit is the insuperable imagination of the reader, child or adult, which gives even these dead things life - of a sort, for a while.

"Imagination like all living things lives NOW, and it lives with, from, on true change. Like all we do and have, it can be co-opted and degraded; but it survives commercial and didactic exploitation. the land outlasts the empires. The conquerors may leave desert where there was forest and meadow, but the rain will fall, the rivers will run to hte sea. The unstable, mutable, untruthful realms of Once-upon-a-time are as much a part of human history and thought as the nations in our kaleidoscopic atlases, and some are more enduring."

Myself, I would argue against the idea that another person's vision could never be as rich and intense as my own when I read the books. Already I've seen things in the movies that are beyond what I could have imagined. Of course 200 or 300 creative people working together are going to out-do me for imagination, and I'm all the happier for it.

The TRUTH about Bash... Luthien Speaks Out!
Jincey @ 12:27 am EST

August 16, 2001 A.P.J

I, Luthien B. Tinuviel, III, set down these words in the first place to illuminate the events which occurred at the gathering known formally as The First Ever Conclave Of All Fans Near and Sundry From The Online Entity Known As TheOneRing.Net, or colloquially, Barlibash 2001, and in the second place, to correct and oppose the libelous information formerly penned by He-Who-Plans-With-Ulcer, also known as Curunir, and posted on the above mentioned online entity.

Even now, as I close my eyes, the muggy Chicago landscape swims before me, and I find myself shaking once more at the remembered horrors, wonders and revelations which occurred during those five days in early August. Those who know the truth have kept their silence until now, but I cannot in good consciousness uphold this any longer. Great effort and subterfuge went into the maintenance of an "innocent Tolkien convention front", however, it was merely a façade. I feel it is my consummate duty to alert the rest of the online community to the true nature of their "chat" compatriots. I know that setting this down means almost certain death, but in good consciousness, and for my own sanity, I cannot keep these secrets to myself any longer. They are eating me alive. Therefore, dear reader, by the time you read this, know that I may already be gone, and that my last wish was to bequeath this knowledge to you; proceed with caution and the utmost of care, and may God have mercy on our souls!

The following I set down as TRUTH:

1) Ringlass is wanted in five States on nine counts of Reckless Photography and three counts of First Degree Camera Abuse. Do not give this woman a camera! Though she often disguises herself as a 14 year old and exudes a sweet, girl-next-door wholesomeness, when armed with a camera, she becomes a ruthless Shutterbug capable of snapping the most indicting and voyeuristic of photos. Tookish, Nicole Kidman, Hilary Clinton and Gandhi (among others, whom I cannot name) have all fallen victim to the cruel gaze of her lens. I should also add that her "chaperone" is a highly skilled Martial Arts Master who will defend her mistress to the death, if need be (and if present).

2) Arathorn IS in many ways the simple Purveyor of British Accents, Parlour Tricks and Piano Tomfoolery which he passes himself off as, but he is also the love-child of Mrs. Potter and Hugh Grant, and has been carrying on a sordid affair with Tori Amos (his mysterious "Lady_T") for the past three years. Furthermore, he will try to sell you Physics Equations for a steep price. Gentle reader, E = mc2 is NOT a new concept, nor is y = mx+b; demand fair market price for these equations at all times, as he'll try his best to rip you off.

3) Pippin_Took, aka "MacPuffy Took" has been hiding under the disguise of Pippin_Took after five consecutive nominations in People Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Entertainment, Maxim and Martha Stewart Living as the Most Eligible Bachelor of 2001. His representatives deny all claims that he was even "in the Chicago area" in August, however, close and personal friends of MacPuffy have asserted in confidence that he fled to the Windy City after having been presented with 3 tons of fan mail, 180 wedding proposals and Britney Spears, who arrived in an overnight FedEx box (delivered by Samgamgee7), begging for his love.

4) Tookish and Thorongil, while often mistaken for two separate people, is actually ONE PERSON, separated from himself at birth and raised in two different states. In his Tookish incarnation, he bears a slight resemblance to Michael Stipe and has the unusual habit of posing like a muppet in most of his photos (except when deluged by a freak Ringlass kamikaze photo strike - see above). In his Thorongil incarnation, he will speak with a decidedly Lawng Eyeland accent and choose Hawaiin shirts as a fashion statement. The mystery of how he manages to not only be in two places at the same time, but TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE in the same room, not only baffles the scientific community, but has absolutely confuzzled his two wives as well, who met each other through their mutual husband a year ago, much to their own surprise.

5) Though my attack on Curunir was not wholly unprovoked, it was actually a pre-emptive strike to counter the Severe Global Tickling which he had masterminded in association with the People's Front of Hysteria (a deadly terrorist group responsible for the disruptive sniggering at the Inauguration of George W. Bush, the 43rd President of these our United States, as well as the vicious Laugh Attack on Beijing in June of 1999), and which was scheduled to occur that very day at precisely 3:30 pm EST, 0:21:00 GMT. Do not be fooled by Curunir's somber appearance! Beneath it, he can wield a Smile, Grin, and Smirk with frightening accuracy and precision, and I was well aware of this fact as I proceeded to dump water on his head. Although I suffered at the hands of Ringlass and her ungodly photography, because of my diversion, Curunir was forced to carry me down the streets of Chicago on his back and the Severe Global Tickling did NOT proceed as scheduled. If I am still alive after this proclamation has been issued, feel free to thank me then. P.S. Vincent L. McCooley, aka "Nob", was one of the other leaders of this planned Severe Global Tickling, and is still at large. Avoid any and ALL random tickle-tackles in Barliman's, as these are often used as tests for new weapons developed by the People's Front of Hysteria.

6) There was not a cow left standing in a fifty mile radius around Chicago after the Bash. This is due in part to the deadly killing spree that Balin and Jincey went on, leaving four cows dead and several wounded (see below), but also because several of the Bash participants were not really Bash participants, but Android Locusts originally invented in 1995 to contain the spread of Mad Cow Disease. Upon escaping in 1998, they made for America, Land of Endless Beef, and have been seen razing local McDonald's to the ground in their frenzies. During Bash, these Locusts ravished quiet farms, verdant pastures and Bobby Chinn's in their insatiable quest for food. Though I cannot specify their real names, as according to Scientific Patent Law § 349, Statute 5, I can only affirm that in a strange twist of fate (given the history of the Chicago Fire of 1871), there was not ONE cow (painted or otherwise) left in the Chicago area after August 5th.

7) Wesley is not merely a mead-maker, but is also currently Chief Pyro for the Rock sensation Pyre of Skulls. Prior to working for Pyre, Wesley was employed as Chief Pyro for Guns & Roses, NIN, and Limp Trisquit, and his fires have been seen all over the United States.

8) Saint is anything but. And his "active" hands are prosthetics.

9) Opus. The mystery that shrouds this man, cloaked humbly as a master pianist and guerrilla composer, is too dense for even my own acute eyes to unravel. I can only leave you with the small scraps of knowledge that I have amassed up unto this point, knowing that they are somehow connected, and that Opus was personally involved in all of them, but unsure as to how they fit together: Watergate, Iran Contra, JFK Assassination, Invention of Pantyhose, Titanic Winning 12 Oscars, Rodney Dangerfield, Lemurs and the 2001 "Election". May you succeed where I have failed!

J) I will concede that Corvar owns TheOneRing.net. However, the fact that he also owns Google.Com, Amazon.com, Dancinghampsters.com, Bill Gates and the patent on "Intel Inside" is not so widely known. I would also like to inform you that he owns three racehorses, some realestate in Sri Lanka, most of North Dakota, the chair you're sitting on, and the breath you just inhaled.

10) Day II, downtown Chicago. Jincey and Balin, contrary to Curunir's propaganda, did NOT attend the Planetarium as otherwise stated, but instead rampaged through the streets of Chicago, killing four cows, wounding several others, maiming local architecture and running over a hot-dog vendor in their haste. Chicago police have recently dubbed them "The New Bonnie & Clyde", and are currently seeking information. Jincey was last seen dressed as a 15th century English Noble Lady, presiding over Banquets. Balin was last seen at GenCon trying to trade Peter Jackson, one Ent and 5 and 1/3 hobbits for a Magick the Gathering starter-pack.

L) I am NOT a hoover. Nor am I a Linebacker. Nor do I eat like one. These are blatant, pernicious lies, and should be treated as such. Any food on your plate will be left on your plate, with my compliments.

12) After the damage inflicted upon downtown Chicago by Jincey and Balin's spree, Gamgee gathered the fallen hot-dogs from the victim vendor?s cart and spent the remainder of his time handing out hot-dogs, buns and "fixins" to homeless people in the Chicago area. Do not believe the slander that has been uttered against this gentle man! For his kindness and selflessness, the Chicago Archbishop has recently named Gamgee "Bonaface Gaffer, IX" and money has been raised for the commission of a "Gamgee Delivering Hot Dogs" memorial statue, which will replace some of the maimed architecture from the above-mentioned massacre, proving again the unlikely good which can be obtained from Fell Meats (and fallen meats).

13) Pipesmoke will talk your ear off, if you let him. He currently has 1,946 ears in his collection, from over 90 different countries, running the full gamut in color, shape and age. The rumors circulating regarding Van Gogh's ear are false, however, Pipesmoke CAN sell you some property on the moon, if you're interested.

14) Unbeknownst to many of the Barlibash attendees, there was a celebrity in their midst (excuding MacPuffy, of course). In 1996, Zorina singlehandedly captured the Miss Texas Junior Crown, the National Miss Enthusiasm Crown, the Party Planners of America Title, Miss Northeastern Congeniality, The Pulitzer Prize, The Nebula and the Cheerleaders Alumni Service Award. However, do not be blinded by her award-winning radiance. Miss Zorina is also extremely well connected. Not only was she able to finnagle posters, but she also convinced Sir Ian McKellan to make a guest appearance as the bartender, Juan Ramirez, during the reception. It speaks to his acting abilities that not a SINGLE person recognized him throughout the evening.

15) I must address the matter of Samgamgee7, who posed throughout the weekend as a kind-hearted SpedRex employee with an easy smile. The SpedRex courier is merely a front for one of the most diabolical bootlegging operations still in existence. Samgamgee7, formerly the Dread Pirate McCabe, has been running Wesley's mead through the Prohibitionist blockades for over fifteen years, and knows every back-alley, underground railroad, short-cut, long-cut, smooth-cut, no-hander, cellar, pit-stop, under-the-table deal, lick-'em-stick-'em-send-'em-on-their-way, short-stack, short-stop, lot-lizard and IHOP in America. Naturally, one of the perks of being the greatest bootlegger known to Man (and Womankind - when we're feeling kind), is the sampling of the product, and Samgamgee's tastes in food and wine are unparalleled.

16) Dragons do exist.

17) Finally, Michael Jordan is God (and all religious questions should be addressed to Pipesmoke).

This I do set down as being true and incontrovertible. The collision of worlds at Barlibash 2001 was both heady and dangerous, and I am thankful to have escaped alive. If you do not hear from me in the next few weeks, one of the agents of one of the above mentioned must have done his or her job well. Nevertheless, take what I have said to heart, and BE WARY. Barlibash 2002 will only be worse!

Yours in verisimilitude, Luthien B. Tinuviel, III

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